The louder he talked of his honor, the faster we counted our spoons.

Ralph Waldo Emerson [The Conduct of Life]

Flag Counter started April 3, 2008

Merry Christmas to you and please don’t worry. I’m just fine considering that I can’t breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I’ve sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you’ll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.

Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they’ll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me — we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she’s never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?

Well son, it’s time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don’t you worry about me. I’m also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don’t you even think about sending any more money because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is — the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Merry Christmas.

Love, Mom

‘Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurtin’, even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while
Upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
I went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said “U.S. POSTMAN.”

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.

Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
“Now Dillard’s, now Broadway’s, now Penny’s and Sears
Here’s Robinson’s, Levitz’s and Target and Mervyn’s.

To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now charge away–charge away–charge away all!”
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.

He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
“Enjoy what you got. . . . . .you’ll be paying all year!”

From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to practice their faith openly. Someone during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young Catholics. It has two levels of meaning: the surface meaning,  plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church. Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality that the children could remember.

1. The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ
2. Two turtle doves were the Old and New Testaments
3. Three French hens stood for faith, hope and love
4. The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John
5. The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the Old Testament
6. The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation
7. Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit
   1. Prophesy
   2. Serving
   3. Teaching
   4. Exhortation
   5. Contribution
   6. Leadership
   7. Mercy
8. The eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes
9. Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit
   1. Love
   2. Joy
   3. Peace
   4. Patience
   5. Kindness
   6. Goodness
   7. Faithfulness
   8. Gentleness
   9. Self Control
10. The ten lords a-leaping were the ten commandments
11. The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples
12. The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in the Apostles’ Creed

I can’t claim credt for designing this. It came from an email. Great isn’t it?