THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
LEGALLY SPEAKING
Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a
certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a
general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited
to, a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stockings, socks, etc., had been affixed by
and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick,
a/k/a St. Nicholas a/k/a Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would
arrive at sometime thereafter.
The minor residents, i.e., the children, of the said House were located in
their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e.,
dreams, wherein visions of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to,
candies, nuts, and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in
said dreams.
Whereupon, the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as
"I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the party
of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired
for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various
forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.)
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the
unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn,
a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance.
The party of the first party did immediately rush to a window in said House
to investigate the cause of such disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of
wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the
Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by
approximately eight (8) reindeer.
The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously
referenced Claus. Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction, and
guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the
animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid,
Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and
belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named
"Rudolph" may have been involved.)
The party of the first party witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer
intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences
located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle
was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or
nature.
Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied,
the Vehicle arrived at said House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.
Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue
from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the
aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items.
He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant
violation of local ordinances and health regulations.
Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stockings of the minor
children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts.
(Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minors
pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)
Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew,
rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle
and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately
departed for an unknown destination.
However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said
House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim:
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night", or words to that
effect.
Respectfully submitted,
Mary X. Mas, ELF, ESQUIRE
North Pole Legal Department
(We specialize in Claus's.)
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