Looking back, there were so many things we should have done differently. Back in April of 2020 when he couldn’t pee, we should have went to the doctor sooner than we did. That would have stopped that diverticulum in the bladder from forming when his prostate backed his urine output to about nothing.
Then in the spring of 2025 when he had his second UTI in a row, we should have went to the urologist . . . wait, we did . . . . But, he was going on vacation and we were going on vacation and so they just put Richard on more antibiotics and set up appointments for when we got back from our teaching/fun trip in August.
During our trip to Nebraska and Colorado in August, Mom had stayed at “respite care” at the Bungalows East, a lovely assisted living place as she hadn’t felt strong enough for the trip she had originally planned on coming along on. Mom had long said that she wouldn’t live with us “forever.” She enjoyed herself so much there that she set things up to move in on September 1! We spent a busy couple of weeks packing her up, shifting the Bud Williams Stockmanship LLC over to me, and training me in exactly all involved with that business.
During that time Richard had a couple of doctor appointments and had one set up for later in the week after Labor Day (Sept 1).
August 31, 2025
We helped Mom get all her stuff boxed up, and we were set to move as much as we could to her new home the next day. However, later Sunday evening I noticed Richard was much more tired than he should be, and I worried he’d have problems helping me with the boxes, etc. So, I called our grandson Bryce and asked if he could help us the next day!
September 1, 2025
Bryce not only showed up to help, but he had a van which would ensure we had enough space to haul everything in one trip! We loaded up the three vehicles and headed to Springfield. We unloaded all the vehicles, set up Mom’s bed, and got some of her other main items set up. All that morning Richard had been peeing blood, and I called his urologist to find out what we should do. She said we should go to the ER. So, after we got Mom settled, and rather than going to lunch with Bryce and her, we headed to the ER.
Then, once we got on the treatment treadmill, I made more mistakes. When they saw what was likely a tumor in that aforementioned diverticulum and suggested a biopsy to see what it was, I have known for years to never do a biopsy because that just releases the cancer into his system which had been carefully sealed off. But, did I remember that when the doctor discussed what he was going to do the next day . . . I did not. And that’s on me, along with a lot of the things in this story.
So, I headed home to spend my first night alone in our “new” house, and Richard spent his first of many nights in the hospital waiting for surgery the next morning. I guess God had a hand in helping Mom find a great place to care for her while I was so busy caring for Richard through the next months. Funny how the steps came so close together.
September 2, 2025
Richard had a biopsy of the mass in his diverticulum which report came back as pretty nasty cancer. The urologist suggested doing a CT to see if Richard had cancer in any other parts of his body.
September 10, 2025
Richard had a CT scan which showed NO cancer anywhere except that tumor in his diverticulum. At the time I still wasn’t thinking about that biopsy which most likely was already spreading little cancer cells throughout his body (but they weren’t showing up on the CT scan yet).
October 1, 2025
The decision was made to remove that diverticulum/tumor and go forward believing Richard would be cancer-free after that. His urologist asked whether Richard wanted to be referred to an oncologist at that point, and he said no. If he had been referred, it’s almost certain an oncologist would have recommended chemo to stop any little cells from settling anywhere in his body. He was probably at Stage 1 cancer then, and perhaps the chemo would have stopped the spread. But, there are a lot of “perhapses” in that thought process. Richard was certain removing the tumor would be the end and no oncologist was necessary, and so that’s what we did.
December 21, 2025
By early December Richard was feeling tired and just had no energy. He didn’t have a fever, and we just couldn’t figure out what was going on.
Richard finally clarified some of the additional symptoms he was having, and he said he was thirsty all the time! Well, he had been on meds for his type II diabetes and really wasn’t watching his diet like maybe he should have, and that immediately triggered to me that maybe his diabetes was getting out of control. We had a home test, and his blood sugar was pretty high, 300 something I think. We had a family dinner that evening for Christmas, so we went to the urgent care the next morning.
December 22, 2025
Luckily the urgent care doc rushed his blood work and called us after sending us home and said to immediately go to a Springfield ER because his blood work was all a mess and his blood sugar was out of control. The ER determined there was a problem with the ureter (tube between the kidney and bladder) on the side where the diverticulum had been removed. It was partially plugged for some reason, and this could have been what was causing the massive infection they realized he had (even though he still didn’t have a fever).
December 23, 2025
Richard had surgery to insert a long-term stent in his ureter to keep it open. At that time the surgeon didn’t root around to see what caused the infection because he didn’t want to spread any infection when Richard was so weakened. He couldn’t tell if it was more cancer or just an infection. The stent worked fine, and the surgery went well. However, Richard had to stay in the hospital until Dec 26 to get 5 days of IV antibiotics into him for the infection. During that time they started Richard on insulin for his out of control diabetes. We learned how to count total carbs and dose for what he ate. He also got a Dexcom unit to constantly test his blood sugar so he’d know how his dosing was working (and also to alert us if it fell too low, which happened a lot!).
During that hospital stay they also did another CT scan which did show some spots of concern. However, it was hard to know whether they were cancer or infection (we knew he had the latter, just didn’t know about the former).
We set up an appt in early January to follow-up with his urologist. However, a few days into January, his office called and said that Richard’s insurance (which had paid for lots of different urological treatments and visits up to then) was no longer going to cover him with that office. So, they were going to refer us to Mercy urology as they were covered.
We waited and waited to hear from the new clinic and finally called our previous urologist for the contact info of the new office. We called them, and they didn’t have the referral . . . . So, back to the first office to have them resend the referral . . . .
January 21, 2026
We talked a lot about different options, and finally Richard called our insurance agent to see if we could change insurance to match the urologist we liked. We were within the time period when we could make changes, so we changed Richard’s Medicare supplement insurance so we could keep the urologist we had always used. This moved quickly so it started February 1.
February 3, 2026
Back in December we had also set up a February 3 appointment with our urologist, and they had somehow forgotten to cancel it when his insurance didn’t work, so we still had that appointment. We discussed options and ways to determine if the cancer was back or just what was going on. Again, the urologist asked if Richard wanted a referral to an oncologist, and he refused. So, he scheduled another CT scan to compare with the December one.
February 19, 2026
Richard had a CT scan, and we got the results the next week showing that the suspicious stuff from his Christmas CT scan was growing. This meant they probably were not just infection; they were cancer.
His urologist called and said it was time to refer to an oncologist, and so Richard asked him to suggest one.
March 2-6, 2026
This was Bud Week, the best time of the year when we put on a school and also get to join together with “Budders” from all over the continent and discuss all things “Bud Williams.” We knew Richard had cancer, but we didn’t want this week to be about that, so we didn’t tell anyone (even family) before this week. On Friday of the Bud Summit, Richard did tell a few people there, but we didn’t really know many details at that point.
March 3, 2026
We hadn’t heard from the new oncologist, so I made some calls to speed things along. Finally got the referral name and into their system. They set up an appointment for the next day.
March 4, 2026
Usually we wouldn’t have been able to leave our 3-day school, but our great friends were teaching the stockmanship portion, so we were able to leave it to them and head to Springfield for this appointment.
The oncologist didn’t have a lot of information for us, but he did start the process of setting up the PET scan (a more definitive scan for cancer) and referring us to oncology radiology.
March 7, 2026
This was Richard’s “coming out” day. He called close friends and family and told them he had cancer, and he was getting all set for treatments. Previously Richard had said he wasn’t going to take any chemo for cancer, but he changed his mind and decided to give it a fight.
This was also the day our great friend Greg Christiansen posted his essay on Facebook: “Why all the Beauty?” about the glories of Heaven. (You can read it here.) Richard commented on the Facebook post, “Thanks Greg! There is so much beauty to behold. We enjoy it all.” Richard was SO excited to read that essay and know that, probably sooner than we hoped, he would be seeing Heaven. He had such an ethereal glow on his face when he said that, but then he turned to me and said that he would be so sorry to leave me and his family and friends, but he knew Heaven would be so glorious. I’ve held to this with everything I have, knowing that we will be reunited in this glorious Heaven.
March 11, 2026
Richard had a PET scan, and they gave us the results that afternoon. It was pretty grim and cancer was through several main parts of his body including his bones, liver, and lungs. He had been having a lot of pain in his pelvis and back when sitting. This was from the cancer. Because it was our grandson Axton’s first birthday party that evening, we didn’t “think about” it much, and we certainly didn’t tell anyone at the party.
March 12, 2026
We told close family and friends the bad prognosis, and Richard had his first visit with oncology radiology. The doctor (which we really liked) went over what he could do and how the radiation should help with the bone pain Richard was having.
March 17, 2026
Richard’s pain was getting pretty severe, and he got a prescription for oxycodone which helped a lot. I drove from then on!
March 19, 2026
We met with his chemo oncology doc, and he told us the path forward included getting a biopsy of the main tumor and putting in a chemo port. We didn’t ask many questions about prognosis, and he didn’t offer up any options to the chemo.
March 21, 2026
We drove to Kansas City to have lunch with Terri at our favorite Indian food restaurant, Swagat. We had a really great visit. Terri and I talked a lot about the signs we had missed, how we wished we had done this or that rather than what we did, etc. Richard was so great and so positive! He said nothing in the past mattered, all we could do was move forward! I’ve clung to this through the difficult times when I would go over and over what I should have done. If Richard was at peace with our decisions, certainly I should be able to also be at peace with them.
Lunch and the visiting were great, but the drive was very, very hard on Richard, and he had to double-up on the oxy. Sitting for long periods was too painful. We realized him getting treatment very far from home just wasn’t an option.
March 24, 2026
Richard had surgery to insert a chemo port and also surgery to biopsy the main tumor. I did remember the bit (then!) about biopsies being horrible, but the cancer had already spread, a little more probably wasn’t going to make any difference. He came through these pretty good. The report from the biopsy was pretty grim. It was a rare and “very bad” cancer.
Somewhere along in here was when I finally understood the phrase in our marriage vows of, “in sickness and in health.” And, I realized how truly deep my love for Richard was. You really understand it when your partner is so sick your entire life is turned upside down helping them. I loved my husband so much, it never crossed my mind to not continue to give him my all (and then some).
March 25, 26, and 27, 2026
Richard had radiation on his pelvic bones which did help with the pain.
March 28-29, 2026
This was Summer Sausage weekend, and Richard had been to every one of them since the inception. He just didn’t feel energetic enough to ride that far and be that busy, so we didn’t go. We had no idea he wouldn’t be going to any more of them either.
March 30-31, 2026
Richard had two more radiation treatments.
April 2, 2026
Richard had his first chemo treatment. He didn’t feel really awful, but it was hard on him. His appetite slowed, and he had no energy.
April 6-7, 2026
Garland came for a regular visit, and on Tuesday I spent the day in town with Mom so Richard and Garland could have some time together. They went out and set up the bee swarm trap and checked the game cameras. That would turn out to be Richard’s last time out on the farm other than walking around the yard.
April 9, 2026
Richard had his second chemo treatment. We did finally ask the doc what the prognosis was, and he said Richard would get 4 courses of treatment (2 weeks of chemo and 1 week off was 1 course) and they would do another PET scan to see how the cancer responded. Although I tried to get more information out of him (the TV shows always said things like “you have six months to live”) this doctor wouldn’t say anything other than his treatment “plan.”
However, the doctor was able to chew us both out because Richard’s blood sugar was high. When I tried to explain that he had been doing so good (had actually been off insulin with stable blood sugars until starting chemo), he interrupted me and rudely said to just get back on insulin! I did learn after that that both the chemo and the radiation messed with his blood sugar, and we had a really hard time getting it lowered after that even with the proper (and increasingly higher) doses of insulin.
April 15, 2026
Richard was going downhill FAST! He would or could hardly eat anything and slept most of the time.
Just a few moments before his first chemo treatment they had given us a long document about all the side effects and when to call them if any happened. I really had thought his symptoms were probably considered “normal” because of everything you hear about chemo, but I finally pulled it out and started reading it more carefully.
Right on the front page toward the top it said, “Goal of Treatment: Treatment may continue for a certain time period, until it no longer works, or until side effects are no longer controlled.” . . . . No where in this GOAL of TREATMENT did it say anything about killing cancer, remission, etc. etc. And, we were already at “side effects are no longer controlled.”
These sheets listed possible symptoms with the chemo and also a list of things that, if they happened, you should call their office. Richard had many of those urgent symptoms, so I called the office early that morning and finally a nurse said, yes, his symptoms were very troubling and that perhaps an IV might help, but she needed to ask the chemo doc. She also said something we had never heard from the chemo doc before, that his cancer was very bad, very wide-spread, and very unlikely to be treatable in any meaningful way! She sounded surprised when I told her the doc had never told us this before to help us in making care decisions.
While waiting for them to return our call, we called the Mercy clinic in Bolivar and set up an appt to be seen in 2 days. We decided to leave the Cox health system (Richard was NOT going to take another chemo treatment!).
April 16, 2026
The chemo doctor nurse finally called back and said the chemo doctor just said to come in for his next chemo treatment the next Thursday (a week away!).
April 17, 2026
After discussion, I called and cancelled all future chemo treatments and appointments with the Cox health system. Later that day we saw a nurse practitioner at the Bolivar Mercy clinic who also wasn’t too concerned about Richard’s state, but did start the ball rolling to get a new oncologist, etc. etc.
Monday, April 20, 2026
Richard was worse, couldn’t eat much at all, and had NO energy. We called his new doc office, and they said to go to the ER. We went to the Mercy ER in Springfield, waited a LONG time, and finally by late in the evening got to the point where the doc said his kidneys and liver were in horrible shape, and he needed to be admitted to treat them.
Tuesday, April 21, 2026
When I back got to the hospital early that morning, Richard seemed like he wasn’t responding as well to conversations as he should. Soon after I arrived, the doctor came and gave him a short cognitive exam. She asked if he knew where he was. He was confused. She said she would offer him 3 different options, “Are you in Walmart, in the hospital, or at the mall?” He paused, then slowly said, “I’m not in Walmart . . . and I’m not at the mall . . . .” He knew me and had good long-term memory, but his short-term was pretty bad. We discussed several possible options for this including whether the cancer had spread to his brain.
Richard’s niece, Jody, came and visited and prayed with us. He remembered her and had some good conversations with her.
Our great friend from church, Gary, came over just before lunch, and Richard recognized him, and they had a nice visit. I remember that, when Gary prayed over Richard then, he asked God to shine a light on the path we needed to take. We had really struggled with knowing “what to do.” We had tried the chemo path, and that didn’t seem like it was working. What should we do?
I asked Gary to take me out to lunch so we could visit more outside the hospital. Of course, as always happens, the new oncology doc arrived while we were gone. However, she called me. She was great! She said there were treatments they might try that wouldn’t have the horrible side effects of the previous chemo, but really, there just wasn’t much hope that treatments would have any effect. She suggested it was time for hospice, and I totally agreed. I told her several times that I appreciated her finally telling us what the first chemo doc should have told us at our first visit! He knew it was a long shot, but he didn’t give Richard the chance to decide on chemo or not! I realized then that God was shining a light onto our path just as Gary’s prayer had asked!
When I got back to the hospital I talked with the doc and nurses, and we started the process for hospice. We stopped all meds and the IV (it was hard for him to go to the bathroom with all that hooked up).
Laura helped me pick a hospice, and we started that paperwork. They needed it set in place before they would release him from the hospital.
We called Garland, and he started his plans to head this way from Denver.
I always felt it was a shame for people to get together for a visitation or funeral when the “star of the show” wasn’t there any longer. So, I messaged close friends and family and told them we’d have an “open house” Friday and Saturday for anyone to visit with Richard. At that time, I didn’t really know how much time he had, but I knew this was something I wanted to do for him and his friends/family.
I was able to stay with Richard that night in the bed next to him in the hospital. The nursing staff was amazing! I can’t honor them enough for their compassion, information, and even hugs.
Before we hit stop on all treatments, they had done a head CT scan and felt Richard had a small stroke which accounted for his short-term memory problems. We felt maybe that was a blessing so he was able to know old friends but not really understand the new pain and process of dying.
Wednesday, April 22, 2026
They got us out of the hospital mid-morning, and we headed home. Hospice was worried if I’d need help getting him into the house, but I told them I’d be fine. They showed up an hour or so after we got there. We filled out all the paperwork, they examined Richard and explained what all was involved, and it was really nice knowing they would be helping us.
That afternoon Richard was so alert and visited so well, I wondered if I’d jumped the gun on alerting friends/family. Delilah and Bryce came over and visited, and Richard even ate a little dinner with me. Jessica and kids came over and Jessica trimmed Richard’s hair. He hadn’t felt up to coming into her shop for a long time, and he wanted to be neatened up for his visitors.
Thursday, April 23, 2026
Richard did pretty good this morning. We showered together (as always), and he was able to do everything himself like usual. He ate some breakfast with me, and Garland arrived mid-morning.
I emailed our past stockmanship and marketing students, told them Richard was dying, and asked if some might send some words to Richard. We got so many emails. I had great plans of reading them all to Richard, but was only able to get through a few of them. They made me cry so much to read them! One particularly special couple made a short video for Richard which I played for him when he was still able to understand. Thanks so much to everyone who wrote and prayed for Richard at this difficult time!
Pastor Bill and Pastor Lee came over in the afternoon to visit, and we openly discussed service options as it was clear that was going to be coming up soon. Richard was able to discuss things he wanted and didn’t want, and I took notes. He also confirmed, yet again, that Christ was his Savior!
Terri came over for dinner, and Richard ate some pizza with us. She had commitments in Springfield and would come back on Saturday.
This was the last food he ate.
Friday, April 24, 2026
For about the previous week, Richard had problems sleeping as he would wake and need to go to the bathroom very often. I believe this was from the tumors in his pelvis pressing on things that didn’t like being pressed (and felt like the urge to pee), but you couldn’t talk him out of going to the bathroom. I tried to convince him to use the portable pot hospice had brought, and I even tried to position it blocking his way to the bathroom. If I was slow waking up, I’d find he had moved the portable potty to get to the bathroom even though he was so weak! So, nights were tough as I tried to sleep light enough to wake when he did as I worried about him falling down and breaking a bone.
This morning I called hospice at 8 am asking for a hospital bed (which they had offered on Wednesday, but I said no, we didn’t need it!). We needed it now! They had it set up by 10 am!
Richard’s hunting buddies arrived mid-morning with lots and lots of food and friendship! I had told Richard that Matt, Forrest, Ernie, and Bob were coming, but Leland also came. When Richard saw him, he said, “I didn’t know you were coming, Leland!”
We set chairs up facing Richard’s lazy-boy so he could hold court and visit as people came and went.
I had asked the fellas if they could maybe fix my riding lawnmower (I had tried to mow a week earlier but couldn’t engage the mower blades), and also if they might tighten my clothes-line which was almost falling down. This gave them something to do between visits and, not only did they fix the mower, but they mowed the lawn!
Several others came on Friday, some friends from work and also high school classmates. It was a full house with lots of visiting, but Richard seemed to fit in well. He dozed a lot, sipped a little A&W, and said a little to most of the people who talked with him.
The hospice nurse came and saw him and brought more meds and supplies for us.
My best friend Rondle came mid-afternoon and stayed on.
I managed to take a few photos.
That night I still wanted to sleep with him, so we didn’t use the hospital bed. However, we really struggled with his need to get up through the night as he was so much weaker. So, about 11:30 pm we also gave him oxycodone (which we had been giving him for the pain) and hoped that might help.
Finally, I just spooned him through the night with my arm around him to hold him in and also alert me if he tried to get up. When he’d try and get up, I’d whisper in his ear that he was ok, he didn’t need to go to the bathroom, and he had handy-dandy pull-ups on in case he did! That seemed to change his mind about his need to get up.
A couple of times through the night he took my arm and tucked it into his chest like he had done so many times before. … Although he never actually spoke to me again, I knew he was thinking of me that night, and I will treasure that feeling forever.
Saturday, April 25, 2026
Richard was much weaker and not very responsive by morning. Terri arrived, and we decided to give him a little bath and put him in the hospital bed. He was only comfortable laying on one side, so we set the hospital bed up so he was facing a chair we set up for one person at a time to visit with him.Several people came to visit on Saturday, and we made sure they just went back one at a time so as to not overwhelm him. He would open his eyes some, and I think he did know when people came in, but there wasn’t any more conversation.
The hospice nurse came again and checked him over. She called and the doctor gave approval to increase his morphine if needed, and he needed it. We could tell when it wore off and the pain increased.
She also mentioned how she had enjoyed our “living visitation” the day before and she had already shared my idea with another of her patients who was going to do the same thing! Don’t wait; visit with folks before they die!
Rondle was the best support person ever. Terri, Garland, and I didn’t have to do anything except care for Richard. Plates of food at the proper time magically appeared in our laps and were picked up and cleaned afterward.
By evening Richard stopped opening his eyes. He was declining pretty fast. Rondle went home after dinner, and Terri, Garland, and I divided the night up into thirds so someone was always awake sitting with him. Terri took the first shift, Garland took the second shift, and I took the last shift.
Sunday, April 26, 2026
Richard was about the same as the night before in the morning, and Rondle arrived to make us breakfast!
Again, one of us was always sitting with Richard. We each did various things. Sometimes we’d talk with him, sometimes we’d read to him, and sometimes we’d just sit. Along with all my love, I told him it was ok for him to let go. It was time for him to go home.
I was so tired from about a week of not much sleep at night, and I thought of that old saying, “I can sleep when I’m dead.” I re-set it to, “I can sleep when Richard’s dead.”
About lunch time I had the idea to read him the book of Ephesians. It was hands down his favorite book of the bible. I’m not sure why, but it was! I got through the first 4 chapters, and then the hospice nurse came.
We had a nice visit, she checked him all over and mentioned that she had her kids in the car, and they were going to Springfield for the day. Her husband works nights, and was asleep, so they needed to stay out on that lovely day.
I finished my lunch, gave Richard his next morphine dose, picked up the bible, and finished reading the rest of Ephesians. I don’t know the exact timing, but I know it wasn’t over half an hour after I finished reading when Richard’s lips started turning blue. I called out for the others, and the four of us sat there holding each other and Richard while he took his last breath at 1:45 pm.
We didn’t rush to make the hospice call but sat and cried and held each other and Richard for the last time.
Once we made that call, things settled down, and I suggested that, once the hospice nurse came back, someone see if she still had her kids and that, if she did, they take them out to play rather than leaving them shut up in the car. She had the cutest little girl just over a year and boy about 4 or so. Terri and Garland took them to swing on the tire swing and run around and play.
The hospice nurse said she was going to clean Richard up, and I asked if I could help her. It was so healing to work with this wonderful young woman who talked so matter-of-factly about using our usual soap so he’d smell the same and what to do. It used to be common for the neighbor women to gather together and “lay out” the dead. I think we have missed so much by transforming death (and birth!) into hospitals and separating us all from it so much.
Her kids came back into the house when we were done while we waited for the mortuary to come pick Richard up. Watching them play in the living room was such a wonderfully uplifting statement of “life goes on!” I made sure I told her that I was so happy her kids were there.
Rondle took my phone from me so I could focus on what was happening around me rather than the any number of notifications I was thinking about. I think she messaged the close family, but things were a little of a blur at that point.
The mortuary came and picked up Richard (well, it wasn’t him any longer, but it seemed like it was in our minds). Garland was outside with the kids and said Max, Richard’s Brittney bird dog, looked toward where they were loading him and sniffed the air. Did he know? I wonder whether our pets don’t know and understand a lot more than we know.
The hospice nurse and her kids left Garland, Terri, Rondle, and I to our house that, now, seemed so empty. Someone came and got the hospital bed and other items we had borrowed for Richard’s very short hospice trip. That left no reminder of what had happened except a huge hole in our lives.
My son in the Navy who lives with his family near Norfolk called and said he had talked with his superiors and was going to get leave to drive home with his wife and two sons. His ship was going out on exercises the next Sunday, so usual leaves were cancelled, but he was able to get a compassionate leave as long as he could get back before his ship left.
Rondle fed us another excellent dinner and helped me go through the fridge and freeze anything we couldn’t keep up with eating from the great food brought on Friday.
I was so tired from those nights of not sleeping much, as we were all were, and we were looking forward to an early evening. However, mother nature had another plan for us. Perhaps it was a big distraction to bring us not only together but focusing on something “else” for a while.
Richard usually kept me updated on the weather, but we were pretty busy that day, and I don’t remember whether we had heard there was a chance of severe weather or whether the alarms on our phones alerted us. We were under a tornado watch, and through dinner we watched tornado warnings coming closer and closer to us here on the Farm! So, as Richard and I had done many times, we gathered up some “important stuff” like computers and purses and headed to the barn which was our “tornado shelter.” We did a little vehicle rotation to put the highest value vehicles into the two garage spots and the others out into the open so they might not be hit by falling limbs/trees. Then we settled into the big barn.
We could hear the tornado sirens from Morrisville going off. In a little while Bolivar added their sirens to the mix. And, of course, our phones were letting us know what was happening, too.
There weren’t really many “seats” in the barn (in hindsight we should have brought folding chairs …), but we settled in and listened to the rain/wind. At one point we were certain it was hailing, but looking outside we could see it was just the heaviest rain possible hitting the metal roof of the barn.
We laughed, joked, told stories and just felt “almost normal” for the first time in several days. We might have mentioned we wished we had alcohol . . . but we didn’t, so that was a moot point. It was like the hurricane parties on the Gulf!
I don’t know how long we sat there, but finally we could tell the rain was over and radar showed the tornado possibility was over, so we returned to the house. The vehicles left out were just fine, and there weren’t even any big limbs down.
Although we didn’t get to bed as early as we might have hoped, we were all able to rest some that night.
At that time I wondered how I would feel about Richard dying in our bedroom. Now I know it was the perfect place. I had such a wonderful memory of his last days and last breath. I know he wouldn’t have wanted it to be anywhere else except on his beloved Farm.
Monday April 27, 2026
I hadn’t cooked anything for about a week, and I really wanted to do something for Rondle, Garland, and Terri, so I cooked my famous eggs Benedict for breakfast. I remember still being a little unsteady and forgetful, but I made it through the cooking process without incident!
Next, to plan the funeral. Because Justin only had a few days here, we wanted to hold it on Thursday if at all possible. After talking with both Pastor Lee and Pastor Bill, we were able to set that up for 1 pm on Thursday at our church. They live-stream church services and would be able to stream the service to those around the country who knew Richard and might be interested in watching.
Next, the obituary. Our local paper came out on Wednesday, and in order to have it in that issue, we needed to have this to them by 10 am on Tuesday. Rondle has a chat GPT program and is a great writer, so she took on the task of getting us a start, taking our edits, and completing what turned out to be a really great obituary for Richard! You can read it here.
When I made our bed that morning, I looked carefully at the tattered quilt that had been on our bed for as long as I had known him. His mom had made the quilt top but hadn’t quilted it by her death. He hired a local church group of ladies to hand quilt it, and he’d had it on his bed since then. I’m not sure just when that was, but probably around 1998-2000. Our bedroom in the “old house” was near a window, and the sun had faded several spots. I used to rotate it to try and even out the fading.
Starting about five years ago or so, the seams started coming apart. Even though I didn’t wash it except about once a year, it was just getting old. We used liquid stitching to try and keep the worst of the tears from getting worse, and I stopped washing it at all because I was sure the next time it would simply fall apart even under gentle cycle.
I don’t know how it came to me, but I got the idea of having Richard cremated with this blanket that had meant so much to him. It meant a lot to me, but I knew its life was coming to an end. The sun-faded and torn seams were a metaphor for Richard’s poor body at his death . . . . It was right that they be together.
I spoke with the funeral home and set up an appointment to come in Tuesday morning and finalize all the paperwork etc. etc. They said they’d be glad to cremate Richard with the quilt, so I folded it up to take with us.
Terri and Garland had some things to do at Terri’s house in Warsaw and, though Rondle offered to stay with me that night, I declined. It was time for me to be alone as I was going to be from then on.
It really wasn’t that difficult. I was able to cry and remember and think and even sleep.
Tuesday April 27, 2026
I had a few things on the list that day. I stopped by the church to talk with Pastor Lee about any details they might need. I looked at the draft service and just had a couple of ideas on it. That part was coming together well.
I had emailed the obituary and photo to the newspaper but stopped by with paper copies (just in case) and paid for it (before the 10 am deadline!).
Then I met up with Garland at the funeral home for our 10 am appointment. Martin was great! He was so calm and nice. He went through the mountains of paperwork, and I got writer’s cramp signing things. I gave them the quilt to go with Richard, and Garland I both were pleasantly surprised when he said they had prepared Richard with the quilt so we could see him one last time. We hadn’t asked for this, but it turned out to be very special. Garland hadn’t been able to look at his dad (well, he was no longer Richard, and we all knew that, but…) on Sunday after he passed, but he was ready for his final goodbye then.
We were able to take photos and sit and pray and cry and say our goodbyes. I didn’t know it was an option, so I didn’t think to offer that to anyone else in the family, and I’m sorry if anyone is upset with that. I felt our main “visitation” came while he was still alive, and everyone had that opportunity.
It just seemed right to see him with his mother’s quilt knowing he was already in her arms in Heaven!
Richard had wanted to be cremated and not buried in a cemetery, so we are going to do as he wished. I decided to buy an urn from the mortuary and looked at the “traditional” urns that screamed “someone dead is in here.” I was set to pick out the color pattern I liked best when I saw a more non-traditional “urn” which was a wooden box with a space on the front for a photo/words! That was it!! You know me, I knew just what I’d put in that spot to honor Richard!
Garland wanted some of his dad’s ashes so he could leave little bits around the lovely areas he snowboards and motorbikes in through the year in the Colorado/Utah area. What a great idea! Just spreading in one area is fine, but we will be thinking of Richard for a long time and leaving little bits of “him” as we travel around.
Garland and I had the idea to invite close friends and family to the house Thursday after the service for a meal. He messaged Terri, and she volunteered to organize (and pay for) the meal. The church would have done a meal for us, but we really wanted to meet up at the Farm. It really is a special place… have I mentioned that before?
Justin, Calie, and the boys arrived in time for dinner in the evening, and we had a great visit! They boys are great and, again, a reminder that, though some members of our family are gone, new ones are coming on.
Wednesday, April 29, 2026
I made sourdough pancakes for Garland and Justin’s family this morning. I had actually made the pancake batter ahead (you have to make it the night before eating them) for pancakes on Monday the 20th hoping it would encourage Richard to eat something. But we didn’t cook them as Richard was so sick we had to go to the ER. I had to throw that batter out when we got back home on Wednesday.
Then I made the batter Thursday evening for Friday morning as Garland was there, and I hoped it might, again, encourage Richard to eat something with us. Again, he was too sick to eat, and I was too busy caring for him to cook them.
Finally, I was able to cook pancakes! Sourdough pancakes are something very special in our family, and Richard loved them so much! I remember early on in our relationship talking about how great they were and how I would make them for him. He was sort of “so what” about it when things would keep me from making them the first time. He didn’t really understand just how great they are until he finally ate them!! From that day on he was all in for sourdough pancakes at any time, and so was everyone in our family.
This was a busy day of visiting and also me putting together the photos of Richard for the slide-show before and after his service. There were so many photos, it was hard to choose. I know I missed a lot, but I hope I put together enough to show a little of his life and loves.
Thursday, April 30, 2026
I wasn’t really up for driving, so Justin, Calie and the boys picked me up and drove me to Bolivar. The death certificates were ready, so we stopped at the funeral home for them. After my first husband’s and John’s deaths, I knew everything rotated around the death certificate, so I wanted them in hand!
We arrived at the church early with the guest book and large print of my favorite photo of Richard ever! I remember earlier in the week worrying about getting it printed . . . then I remembered the 16 x 20 framed print I had on my office wall! That would be perfect for the funeral!
While I was setting out the guest book in the narthex, Justin’s boys ran into the sanctuary and then Joe ran back and asked me, “Where’s Grandpa Richard?” At first I thought he was confused about Grandpa Richard being dead, then I realized he had been to several open casket funerals, and he was looking for Grandpa Richard. I had to explain to him that we weren’t doing that. Again, the naiveté of the young brought me a smile. He understood so many things so much more easily than the older folks around him. Death to him was just a process of life. I needed to work on that myself.
As the close family, we sat up front in the church, far away from the pews Richard and I usually sat in. Someone sat me between Garland and Justin so they could help me through the service.
Friends spoke about Richard, the two pastors read things Garland and some of our stockmanship students had written, and we said goodbye to Richard. The service was broadcast on the internet, and it also remains posted on YouTube here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?reload=9&v=51bD3zAU_PY
As I mentioned earlier, Richard’s hunting buddies and all our family met up at the Farm after the service for a wonderful meal and more visiting.
I had thought long and hard about what to do with Max, Richard’s wonderful Brittney bird dog. Max was still young, and a great hunting dog, and, though I would have enjoyed having him around and taking him for walks, that wouldn’t have been the life that would fulfill him as a bird dog. So, I asked the friend who had bred him and given him to Richard if he could take him back and make sure he was able to continue to hunt. Bob and Cindy came to the meal after the service and took Max home with them. He was going to have to ride in the front of the truck on the floor-board, so I suggested they take Richard’s old, old jacket for him to lie down on. I figured Richard’s smell would calm Max during the ride.
And, I told them to burn the jacket when they got home. I had tried to get Richard to give up on that jacket years ago, but he just kept bringing it to me to patch this, re-sew this button or that button-hole etc. etc. it was time for that jacket to move on also.
This meal on the farm was a great closure for all of us who had spent a busy week saying goodbye to Richard Lee McConnell.
Saturday, May 2, 2026
Happy Birthday to me! I think I was still running on fumes, but it was time to get out and about again! Delilah was having her baby shower, and she asked if I could take some photos as her regular photographer was doing a wedding.
We had a great time, Mom was able to join us also, and there was good food and fun and games! Oh, and I wore my tiara! A girl should be able to wear her tiara on her birthday even to someone else’s baby shower!!
Afterwards Jessica said she, Emma, and Caris wanted to get their ear cartilage pierced, and asked if I wanted to also. I probably didn’t give it as much thought as I should have, but I did ask Rondle if this fit into “something I could do in the first six months after Richard’s death?” She had told me earlier in the week to make sure and not make any big changes in the first six months, and that she would be glad to field any questions I had about whether something was “big” or not. She said a piercing was ok, but a tattoo would not be ok! That’s good, I didn’t want a tattoo anyway!
So, we all headed to Springfield for a birthday dinner (with Mom, too). I continued to wear my tiara, and our server asked if it was my birthday! Of course! I dropped Mom off at her place and met up with Jessica and her crew for the piercings!! It really didn’t hurt that much, though I had felt like I was signing my life away with the release forms!! Now we all had matching cartilage ear piercings, and life moved on!
Sunday May 3, 2026
Because Richard had been so tired and in such pain for several weeks, he hadn’t felt like going to church since about the middle of March. I hadn’t wanted to leave him alone, so we both missed church. It was time to go back to church! I was so glad I did, even though it was difficult being in the same room we had just said good-bye to him at the funeral.
When I arrived for Bible Study, I carefully put the bag with my bible and study aids in Richard’s chair. I still hold it for him.
Garland had left after the funeral to visit friends in the KC area, but was coming back Sunday afternoon, so we had a family dinner on the Farm with Jessica and kids and Delilah and Mason. As usual, we had a great meal and then a rousing game of Farkle!
Life would move on, though I couldn’t let anyone sit at Richard’s spot at the head of the dining room table. I still can’t, and it might be a long time ‘til that happens . . . .
Tomorrows without Richard
I’ve been writing on this since a few days after Richard died. I didn’t want to forget the main details of his last week, yet I also wanted to fill in the gaps of our cancer journey.
I still reach from my chair towards Richard’s chair to touch his arm that’s no longer there. My foot stretches toward his half of the bed at night hoping for a light touch to ground me as he did for so many years.
God, please watch over my Sweetie until I get there. I’ll try and muddle through best I can until then. Amen.
